Who is this impostor?

“Confidence is not a feeling.

Confidence is the willingness to try.” - Mel Robbins

Who is this impostor?

Oh, good ol’ impostor syndrome. This is a frequent struggle of mine. I don’t know where it came from, as I was raised to be head-strong, self-sufficient, curious, and ultra-determined (ahem - over-achiever perhaps?). Now, I know everyone has this feeling of impostor syndrome from time to time, so I know folks can relate to this general feeling. What I don’t understand about myself is why I have this feeling so often, and not just when starting something new. It’s about feeling like an impostor in my own skin, or about something I’ve been doing for years yet suddenly feels new. Everyday is different and every day has its moments of feeling confident about who I am, and moments of feeling lost in this - sometimes the balance tilts more one way and other times it tilts the other way. Perhaps this is where some of my anxiety stems from, or maybe my anxiety feeds it. In fact, research shows that impostor syndrome often co-occurs with depression and anxiety.*

It’s taken me a bit to write this second post because of this. It dawned on me that this is exactly what I needed to say. As part of my process in sharing my story, I hope this resonates with someone and others can learn from my experiences. I’m not an expert in anything, not even myself, and I shouldn’t pretend to be. I’ve come to learn things about myself, and I know now that I will always be learning about myself - that is the journey of life. 

Working through impostor syndrome is an individual process. For me, I’m so much better at trying something new and boldly saying, “I’ve never done this before,” or “this is new to me.” I’m perfectly ok with not being very good at something I’ve never done; I expect to not be very good at new things. So, it’s a very pleasant feeling when I’m decent at the first go of something new. I’m not so good at admitting downfalls of my self-imposed expectations of my performance in things I should be skilled at. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve had to work at taking action vs rationalizing procrastination as over-preparing and over-thinking. It is the practice and the doing that will actually get you anywhere. Reflecting, re-evaluating, and adjusting your sails are equally important steps in the process of improvement. 

I listen to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks (time saver on 1.5x and because I’m a slow reader). Mel Robbins and Brene Brown are two brilliant women who have put this in a perspective that’s been helpful for me. Mel Robbins explains impostor syndrome as “intellectual self-doubt.” When you are confident, you don’t have (or have much less of in my case) this self-doubt. She said, “Confidence is not a feeling, confidence is the willingness to try.” Confidence is gained by competency. To gain confidence you have to be willing to try something you’ve never done before. You need to try in order to practice - practice to gain skills - gaining skills will lead to competence - when you gain competence you will gain confidence. (https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-93/)

Brené Brown explains impostor syndrome as a, “Fear of self-doubt, of being found out.” (https://brenebrown.com/podcast/imposter-syndrome/). For me, this is where my anxiety feeds my self-doubt, makes me second guess my capabilities and my worth. Even with my years of education, years of training, years of evolving as a parent, years of experiencing life in my own body & mind, I fear not showing up as the person I strive to be - to be found out that I’m not the person I strive to be. Which, when I write that out, really doesn’t make any sense given this ever-evolving life journey. I chose sports that were more individually focused because I didn’t want to let down a team. I strive for the promotion and leadership roles because I want to make a positive difference, make system improvements, but often back down and convince myself that someone else is better fit for the role. I haven’t always fought for what I wanted because I felt someone else deserved it more. This isn’t 100% of the time - I’ve been in leadership, I’ve fought hard for certain things, but there is a point where I burnout. The fear is of success, because at some point I will fail, I will be “found out.” There is almost a wave of relief when failure hits because the expectations of maintaining are lifted; you crawl back into the shadows and focus on rebuilding, re-inventing. Now, I say “almost” because, honestly, the feeling of failing absolutely sucks. That is where depression found me, and that is another story. What failing has taught me though, is the grit and determination to get back up, to learn from the experience, to see the silver lining, and eventually to look back on it all and see where I am now because of it. 

All-in-all, I do feel like an impostor being a self-imposed author of a blog, starting another business (yes, the first one failed), and starting a podcast of our own. It is all new, it will take practice, it will take a ton of effort and dedication, I will make mistakes and I won’t always be the version of myself I want to be in the moment. 

“Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse. If you’re comfortable while doing it, you’re probably doing it wrong” Ted Lasso

Finding comfort in discomfort is the way through. Find your own groove in doing difficult things, in challenging yourself in a way that you know you’ll be better for it. This is the way to succeeding in forging the path you want to take. 

“The man who loves walking will walk further than the man who loves the destination. When you fall in love with the journey, everything else takes care of itself.” ~Sal di Stephano

This quote has been my mantra for the past couple years. This frame of mind has helped me stay present, focus on enjoying the moment, and releasing expectations of certain desired outcomes. I find that when I’m really focused on the journey, the process, and enjoying the moments, I’m no longer the impostor. When I’m doing the work, I’m focused on the work. When I’m sorting out the discomfort and learning why it’s uncomfortable so I know what I have to do to work through it, I’m no longer the impostor. This is me, and this is my story - for better or worse. 

Nothing but Love,

Monica

*Bravata, D.M., Watts, S.A., Keefer, A.L. et al. Prevalence, Predictors, and Treatment of Impostor Syndrome: a Systematic Review. J GEN INTERN MED 35, 1252–1275 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11606-019-05364-1